I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be writing this post about a
third miscarriage; I wanted to believe that our next pregnancy would be third
time lucky, but that wasn't meant to be. I found out on the last day of April
that we were pregnant again. Mark told me that we had to be prepared for
whatever came our way, but I didn't want to think about any negatives. I just
wanted to focus on the hope that we had been given again.
We had our first viability sonogram on May 15th, which going by a normal cycle should have made me 8 weeks. The sonographer told us that I was closer to 5-6 weeks, which made sense given my long cycles and late ovulation (I'd had a front-to-back cycle the previous month and it had lasted 40 days). I was disappointed that we were so early yet again, but this time the thing that made up for it was that she was able to point out the embryo and also detect cardio activity i.e. a heartbeat, which we hadn't seen with the previous miscarriages. She told me to book in again to have another viability scan in 10-14 days.
The following week I went to see Dr Holden and he did a bedside ultrasound. I was so nervous that the heartbeat was not going to be there, but he was able to point it out to me on the screen, and I was so happy I cried. That weekend was the Memorial Day long weekend, and we went to the Catskills to stay with friends at their country house in the mountains. It was so nice to get out of the city, but all I could think about the whole weekend was the baby inside me and whether its heartbeat was going to be there at the next sonogram. I was so paranoid about whether or not I was still feeling pregnant, that it was all-consuming.
It was a very long week until the next sonogram on Friday 29th May. The sonographer did a transabdominal ultrasound over my stomach first. I had told her that we had seen a heartbeat twice, but had to do a second viability scan because the pregnancy was so early. My heart sunk when I couldn't even make out a baby, let alone see a heartbeat. I asked the sonographer immediately, "Has it gone?". She said that she couldn't find the baby, but would do a transvaginal ultrasound next, as usual. I felt like I was going to start crying, because I knew that if she couldn't even find a baby, there was little hope. With the transvaginal ultrasound she said that she could see the baby, but there was no heartbeat. She had a Dr come and talk to us, as we had had with the previous miscarriages, telling us that unfortunately it was a miscarriage and that I shouldn't blame myself; that it was nothing I did and there was nothing I could have done differently that would have saved it. I was so devastated, I sat in the room with Mark after the Dr and sonographer had left crying for almost twenty minutes. I really had thought that it was going to be different and that it was third time lucky, because we had seen a heartbeat, twice. I realized that I was such a mess that I couldn't go to work, and called my boss to tell him what had happened. When I spoke with Dr Holden you could hear the sympathy in his voice. I told him that I wanted to book in for a D&C (as the MVA had been a little traumatic after the second mis), so did so with his secretary for the following Monday. He had also said that I could take the Misoprostol that I had leftover from the first miscarriage to see if they might work in helping to get the tissue out. Mark and I spent the day together, walking around the West Village with me drowning my sorrows. I inserted the Misoprostol that night and started bleeding heavily within an hour. The next morning I had a lot of tissue expel, and I hoped that that was it. When Dr Holden did the bedside ultrasound the following Monday, he said that the sac wasn't there anymore. There was still a bit of tissue, but that would come out naturally or I could try the Misoprostol again. He said that I didn't need to have the procedure, which I was happy with. We spoke about next steps. Now that we had had a third miscarriage, we would see the fertility specialists to talk about testing etc.. I went down to the 4th floor and made an appointment for the following Monday with Dr Mark Sauer, the Head Director of the Columbia University Medical Center's Center for Women's Reproductive Care. I took the Misoprostol again that night and some more tissue came out the next morning. I thought (and was hoping) that that was the last of the tissue.
The following Monday, Mark and I met with Dr Sauer. It was such a refreshing consultation with Dr Sauer; truly amazing. He spent nearly two hours with us discussing everything in detail, our fertility history, statistics and the testing plan going forward. He made us feel reassured and positive, knowing that we still had so many parameters on our side; the fact that we already had a successful pregnancy, that we were still considered relatively young, and that we were now taking the next best steps seeing fertility specialists. I felt like I had reached a real mental hurdle having met with Dr Sauer. For him it wasn't just professional, but personal as well because his daughter had suffered 3 miscarriages and was about to give birth to a baby. He is also the pioneer of some fertility procedures, so is known worldwide. We knew we were in good hands.
We started some of the genetic blood work that day. Dr Sauer's nurse, Maria, called me to the next day as I was on my way to do the thrombophilia panel blood work to tell me that my hCG levels were still very elevated, and that I obviously had tissue still there so could not continue with the testing until my hCG was back to zero. I was told to come in for an ultrasound the next day to confirm the remaining tissue and potentially book in for a D&C. This was not music to my ears at all. I had been dreading the possibility of another procedure after my horrible experience back in January. The next day (Wednesday), I had the ultrasound and the Dr pointed out to me the large amount of tissue that was still remaining. Time was tight because we were flying to Australia the next day for Jonno's wedding. I rang Dr Holden, but he was not in the office and rang Dr Perera to confirm that she would be able to perform the MVA/D&C that day in the office at the hospital. I had it done that afternoon, and the experience could not have been more different than the previous MVA. While Dr Holden had prepared me for the pressure, which was excruciating pain, of each of the numbing syringes, Dr Perera only prepared me once and then said, "All done". I couldn't believe it; all 5 syringes had been given and I hadn't felt a thing. Dr Perera said that she couldn't take credit for the procedure being painless, because my cervix may have been more receptive this time, considering that I'd already been passing tissue. Whatever the reason, if (God forbid) I ever need another MVA, I'll be asking for Dr Perera.
