7th Pregnancy Lucky

The month following the chemical pregnancy, I headed to London to renew my visa. As my period was due the day before I left for London, I packed a pregnancy test, my medication (Lovenox (enoxaparin sodium) injections, aspirin and progesterone) and prenatal vitamins just in case. I arrived on Saturday, July 1st, after a delayed flight due to bad weather in New York and was so excited to be having lunch with the girls at Cote in Parsons Green. I was staying with KD in Fulham, the old 'hood. It was a great day with the girls, full of laughs and lots of wine. I polished off lunch with Leigh Leigh and KD at Amuse Bouche with some cocktails and continued back at KD's with some rose. It was the middle of Summer, so was daylight until very late. I think I got to bed at 11pm, but didn't fall asleep until the early hours. I then woke at 4am due to the birds singing to the sunshine, and couldn't get back to sleep because of the planes overhead from 5am. I felt quite out of sorts, and wasn't sure whether it was due to the lack of sleep, jet-lag or something else. I decided to do a pregnancy test and, sure enough, I was pregnant. Once again, the fearful thoughts set in. I was excited to be pregnant again and have another chance, but I was also terrified of something going wrong yet again. I made an appointment during the week to see the doctor at Canary Wharf, as I only had enough Lovenox to last a week. Work was very busy but, otherwise, I took things very easy while I was in London, getting to bed most nights around 8pm. I was happy to relax and enjoy the time there, ensuring that on a daily basis I injected myself with the Lovenox, took the aspirin and inserted the progesterone.

I made an appointment with Columbia for my seven-week scan when I got back to New York. Seeing and hearing the heartbeat was an enormous relief. So much so, I cried. At 9 weeks, I was able to have my blood work taken for the Panorama testing and, just over a week later, we were in the Hamptons during the Olympics week with Coco, Michael and Henri when I received the results. It had been hanging over my head like a dark cloud, given me huge anxiety. I logged onto the Natera website and held my breath. Once I saw the series of 'Low Risk' in the results, I broke down into tears with relief. Mark was just about to go for a run, so I ran downstairs to tell him. Seeing me in my state, he thought that it was bad news, and almost started consoling me. I finally managed to communicate the good news and we hugged and cried together. I think it was that moment that we both felt we were over a major hurdle and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

My 4th and 5th Losses

It's been some time since I've written. A lot has happened since we met with Dr Sauer at Columbia. Shortly after our meeting, we began treatment with the Centre for Women's Reproductive Care (CWRC). I went on Clomid for two alternate cycles to regulate my ovulation, and we had a IUI procedure during each of those cycles, when it was assumed I was ovulating. I was using the ovulation kits to indicate when I was ovulating, but for some reason I never felt completely convinced that it was entirely accurate. Two days after I was meant to have ovulated, I was then inserting progesterone to help maintain the pregnancy, if I had indeed fallen pregnant. I didn't fall pregnant after the first IUI in August 2015, nor the following month. In October 2015, I had a second IUI procedure, but I decided not to begin the progesterone so that Mark and I could continue to try naturally. Lucky we did, as I fell pregnant a week after the IUI. It was a nervous discovery, finding out that I was pregnant again. Having been through the three miscarriages prior, I was so scared of another disappointment, but hopeful that the blood thinners I was injecting and the progesterone I was inserting would help protect the baby. We had weekly scans with the CWRC, and seeing or hearing the heartbeat each week was such a huge relief that I think I cried each time. Every day that I continued to be pregnant was a milestone. Then in January 2016, thinking that we were almost out of the woods, we suffered a huge loss once more. This loss was different to the others. It was later in the pregnancy towards the very end of the first trimester, and we found out that it was a chromosomal issue, whereas the previous miscarriages had ended earlier on and we had since assumed that they were related to my antiphospholipid syndrome. It was such a devastating experience, I think I cried non-stop for a week or so. I knew, though, that I had to eventually pull myself together again and take comfort in the fact that we had reached that far in the pregnancy again, and that the chromosomal issue was unrelated to my antiphospholipid syndrome, which we were treating. I also kept reminding myself that we were so very lucky to have already been blessed with Hunter.

It took several months for my body to readjust and be ready to fall pregnant once again. I had a few cycles, which had naturally fallen back into a normal 4 week rhythm. Then, in late May, I did a pregnancy test the day after my period was due when we were in the Catskills at Coco and Michael's for Memorial Day weekend. It produced a very faint positive result, which I assumed was because it was so early. I started the bloody thinners, aspirin and progesterone and decided to do another test two days later. On the Monday of the holiday weekend, the test result was even more faint than the first. The next day at work, I did an hCG test at the medical centre. My hCG level came back as a 6, which is the lowest positive result possible. I was disappointed because I knew that it wasn't right, and was hoping that the pregnancy wasn't going to continue on and on for weeks and result in me having to have another operation at the end of another loss. I did another hCG test on the Thursday to see how it was trending. Then on Thursday evening, I got my period. I've never been happier to get my period, because my body had naturally miscarried for the first time ever. I didn't have to learn about the loss by scan and nor would I have to have a procedure to remove the tissue. It was a super early miscarriage, called a chemical pregnancy, where most women don't even know that they've been pregnant as they just get their periods a few days late. It was another loss, but much less traumatic than any of my prior losses. I had no time to become emotionally invested and had not even had a scan, all of which was a blessing in disguise.

The Next Stage

Once we arrived back from Australia, we began the next main lot of testing. I had a blood test done to confirm that my hCG levels had to returned to zero, and the next day went to have my thrombophilia panel blood work done. The following week my period arrived and on day two I went to have the Day 2 blood work done, which included a test for my egg reserves (the hormone, AMH). Over the next couple of weeks I had my pap and cultures done, as well as a saline hysterosonogram (SHG) to test that everything was as expected in my uterus i.e. with no septum etc.

We had our follow up consultation with Dr Sauer on Monday 10th August. Dr Sauer asked us what had been happening with over the last two months and I explained the remaining tissue after we'd seen him and the required MVA, and the differences in procedures from the one in January. He did say that it can be different with different doctors, but also could be a result of my cervix being in a different state. He asked how all of the testing had gone and then proceeded to explain to us our results. He told me that my thrombophilia panel, which tests for coagulation abnormalities possibly related to recurrent pregnancy loss or implantation failure, had come back positive for two of the tested genes. The main one, cardiolipin antibody IgG, was normal if it returned a result of less than 20, but mine had come back at 103, which Dr Sauer was surprised about. He said that if it had come back at, say, between 20-25 he would have me do the test again, but because it was so much higher than the normal range, it was definitely a true positive. This meant that going forward, if we were to fall pregnant, I would have the option of taking blood thinning medication. The other option would be to do nothing and hope for the best. I have decided that I want to take the medication option, despite the risks, which could be easy bruising or, worse, hemorrhaging and even miscarriage as a result. I feel like I want and really need to do as much as we can, now that we are armed with the test result information. How very lucky we are that Hunter was able to survive and that the conditions were just right for him.

It’s been another tough few months mentally. I stumbled across a web chat blog where Zita West had written of women who suffer miscarriages: “Many of the women I see in my miscarriage clinic have lost confidence and feel their lives are on hold. They are very anxious and need a lot of support.” I feel like that just perfectly sums me up right now. The impact on my confidence has been tremendous. I had someone try and offer support by saying, “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. It couldn’t be further from the truth for me. I feel like the last year has really battered me in that respect. It’s become all-consuming, which leads to the constant anxiety. I have been considering seeing a psychologist again. I think I’ll see how the next couple of weeks go and then decide. The psychologist I saw in February wasn’t someone who I felt I could really ‘break down’ to as she didn’t really show a lot of compassion, which is what I would have expected from someone in her position. I do know, though, that I do need to keep sight of what I have right in front of me, with Mark and Hunter and our little family.

3rd Time Unlucky

I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be writing this post about a third miscarriage; I wanted to believe that our next pregnancy would be third time lucky, but that wasn't meant to be. I found out on the last day of April that we were pregnant again. Mark told me that we had to be prepared for whatever came our way, but I didn't want to think about any negatives. I just wanted to focus on the hope that we had been given again.

We had our first viability sonogram on May 15th, which going by a normal cycle should have made me 8 weeks. The sonographer told us that I was closer to 5-6 weeks, which made sense given my long cycles and late ovulation (I'd had a front-to-back cycle the previous month and it had lasted 40 days). I was disappointed that we were so early yet again, but this time the thing that made up for it was that she was able to point out the embryo and also detect cardio activity i.e. a heartbeat, which we hadn't seen with the previous miscarriages. She told me to book in again to have another viability scan in 10-14 days.

The following week I went to see Dr Holden and he did a bedside ultrasound. I was so nervous that the heartbeat was not going to be there, but he was able to point it out to me on the screen, and I was so happy I cried. That weekend was the Memorial Day long weekend, and we went to the Catskills to stay with friends at their country house in the mountains. It was so nice to get out of the city, but all I could think about the whole weekend was the baby inside me and whether its heartbeat was going to be there at the next sonogram. I was so paranoid about whether or not I was still feeling pregnant, that it was all-consuming. 

It was a very long week until the next sonogram on Friday 29th May. The sonographer did a transabdominal ultrasound over my stomach first. I had told her that we had seen a heartbeat twice, but had to do a second viability scan because the pregnancy was so early. My heart sunk when I couldn't even make out a baby, let alone see a heartbeat. I asked the sonographer immediately, "Has it gone?". She said that she couldn't find the baby, but would do a transvaginal ultrasound next, as usual. I felt like I was going to start crying, because I knew that if she couldn't even find a baby, there was little hope. With the transvaginal ultrasound she said that she could see the baby, but there was no heartbeat. She had a Dr come and talk to us, as we had had with the previous miscarriages, telling us that unfortunately it was a miscarriage and that I shouldn't blame myself; that it was nothing I did and there was nothing I could have done differently that would have saved it. I was so devastated, I sat in the room with Mark after the Dr and sonographer had left crying for almost twenty minutes. I really had thought that it was going to be different and that it was third time lucky, because we had seen a heartbeat, twice. I realized that I was such a mess that I couldn't go to work, and called my boss to tell him what had happened. When I spoke with Dr Holden you could hear the sympathy in his voice. I told him that I wanted to book in for a D&C (as the MVA had been a little traumatic after the second mis), so did so with his secretary for the following Monday. He had also said that I could take the Misoprostol that I had leftover from the first miscarriage to see if they might work in helping to get the tissue out. Mark and I spent the day together, walking around the West Village with me drowning my sorrows. I inserted the Misoprostol that night and started bleeding heavily within an hour. The next morning I had a lot of tissue expel, and I hoped that that was it. When Dr Holden did the bedside ultrasound the following Monday, he said that the sac wasn't there anymore. There was still a bit of tissue, but that would come out naturally or I could try the Misoprostol again. He said that I didn't need to have the procedure, which I was happy with. We spoke about next steps. Now that we had had a third miscarriage, we would see the fertility specialists to talk about testing etc.. I went down to the 4th floor and made an appointment for the following Monday with Dr Mark Sauer, the Head Director of the Columbia University Medical Center's Center for Women's Reproductive Care. I took the Misoprostol again that night and some more tissue came out the next morning. I thought (and was hoping) that that was the last of the tissue. 

The following Monday, Mark and I met with Dr Sauer. It was such a refreshing consultation with Dr Sauer; truly amazing. He spent nearly two hours with us discussing everything in detail, our fertility history, statistics and the testing plan going forward. He made us feel reassured and positive, knowing that we still had so many parameters on our side; the fact that we already had a successful pregnancy, that we were still considered relatively young, and that we were now taking the next best steps seeing fertility specialists. I felt like I had reached a real mental hurdle having met with Dr Sauer. For him it wasn't just professional, but personal as well because his daughter had suffered 3 miscarriages and was about to give birth to a baby. He is also the pioneer of some fertility procedures, so is known worldwide. We knew we were in good hands.

We started some of the genetic blood work that day. Dr Sauer's nurse, Maria, called me to the next day as I was on my way to do the thrombophilia panel blood work to tell me that my hCG levels were still very elevated, and that I obviously had tissue still there so could not continue with the testing until my hCG was back to zero. I was told to come in for an ultrasound the next day to confirm the remaining tissue and potentially book in for a D&C. This was not music to my ears at all. I had been dreading the possibility of another procedure after my horrible experience back in January. The next day (Wednesday), I had the ultrasound and the Dr pointed out to me the large amount of tissue that was still remaining. Time was tight because we were flying to Australia the next day for Jonno's wedding. I rang Dr Holden, but he was not in the office and rang Dr Perera to confirm that she would be able to perform the MVA/D&C that day in the office at the hospital. I had it done that afternoon, and the experience could not have been more different than the previous MVA. While Dr Holden had prepared me for the pressure, which was excruciating pain, of each of the numbing syringes, Dr Perera only prepared me once and then said, "All done". I couldn't believe it; all 5 syringes had been given and I hadn't felt a thing. Dr Perera said that she couldn't take credit for the procedure being painless, because my cervix may have been more receptive this time, considering that I'd already been passing tissue. Whatever the reason, if (God forbid) I ever need another MVA, I'll be asking for Dr Perera.

 

A Tough Few Months

I'm not going to lie; the last few months have been tough, really tough. It took me quite some time to feel like I was beginning to move on from the second miscarriage. It didn't help that the expulsion lasted for weeks after the MVA procedure. Then the whole waiting game starts again; waiting for the next normal period, waiting to see what happens.

I think about wanting to have a second baby every day. This, together with the worry about having another miscarriage has led me to have really bad anxiety, and it became quite bad in the months following the second mis. I saw a therapist/psychologist a few times and it helped to talk to someone else. She helped me acknowledge that whatever happens down the track is out of my control; if another miscarriage does happen, then it is what it is but there's really no use worrying about it now. Much easier said than done, but I'm trying! I'm also trying to do more 'self-talk' to push the anxious thoughts out of my head when they come. I'm finding that listening to music more is helping too. I also did an acupuncture session, which I hadn't had for years since I used it to treat my sciatica when we lived in London, though I'm not sure how effective it was as I couldn't really feel it, though maybe that means it was good?  

I'm hoping that things start to happen again soon, and that we are given some hope that we will have another baby.

Burglary

We were broken into in early February, which didn't help with the bad anxiety I was dealing with at the time. He came in through the window that backs onto the communal apartment bins. We hadn't touched the window for months, and had obviously been far too lackadaisical about it, thinking that it would only be accessible to the tenants in our building. The CCTV footage shows him pressing apartment buttons and being buzzed into the building, perhaps someone thinking that he was a courier delivering a package to another tenant. He took my new MacBook Air, our iPads, sunglasses (including Hunter's Mickey Mouse pair!), Mark's watches, Mark's NorthFace jacket as well as my hard drive, which had photos on it from the last 8 years. Thankfully, the photos on my MacBook are on Hunter's blog, and the photos on the hard drive are on Shutterfly and FaceBook. He also took a bunch of fake diamonds that I had in a handbag, obviously thinking they were of some worth. It would be funny seeing him try to pawn those! A 15yo kid who bought Mark's iPad on the street in the Bronx for $80 the night of the burglary called the next day asking us to unlock it. After some back and forth between his mother and the police officer, he ended up with a juvenile record for admitting he knew it was stolen, though the record will be wiped when he's 18 if he stays clean. We now have an alarm system and renters' insurance, and just have to take solace in the fact that nothing else was taken and nothing worse happened.

Evening Primrose Oil late Jan & Vitex for luteal phase defect

After my second miscarriage, and in my continued angst to find out the causes of the miscarriages, I started reading blogs on the internet that discussed luteal phase defect as a possible cause of miscarriages. The luteal phase is the time between ovulation and when your period starts. It's also when the lining of the uterus becomes thicker to prepare for possible pregnancy. Luteal phase defect is when ovulation occurs later in the cycle and the luteal phase is shorter than normal, so the uterus doesn't become as thick as it should.

Thinking that luteal phase defect could potentially be the cause of my miscarriages, I started reading up on some natural remedies to treat luteal phase defect. One of these was Vitex, which is meant to assist in increasing progesterone levels to allow ovulation to occur normally, in turn increasing the luteal phase. A second remedy that I read about was evening primrose oil, in that it assists in normalising hormone levels that are important for fertility. I was also recommended evening primrose after discussing my miscarriages with a naturopath at a health food store.

I started taking Vitex and evening primrose oil towards the end of January 2015.

http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/vitex-for-luteal-phase-defect.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/367180-how-to-use-evening-primrose-for-infertility/