My 4th and 5th Losses

It's been some time since I've written. A lot has happened since we met with Dr Sauer at Columbia. Shortly after our meeting, we began treatment with the Centre for Women's Reproductive Care (CWRC). I went on Clomid for two alternate cycles to regulate my ovulation, and we had a IUI procedure during each of those cycles, when it was assumed I was ovulating. I was using the ovulation kits to indicate when I was ovulating, but for some reason I never felt completely convinced that it was entirely accurate. Two days after I was meant to have ovulated, I was then inserting progesterone to help maintain the pregnancy, if I had indeed fallen pregnant. I didn't fall pregnant after the first IUI in August 2015, nor the following month. In October 2015, I had a second IUI procedure, but I decided not to begin the progesterone so that Mark and I could continue to try naturally. Lucky we did, as I fell pregnant a week after the IUI. It was a nervous discovery, finding out that I was pregnant again. Having been through the three miscarriages prior, I was so scared of another disappointment, but hopeful that the blood thinners I was injecting and the progesterone I was inserting would help protect the baby. We had weekly scans with the CWRC, and seeing or hearing the heartbeat each week was such a huge relief that I think I cried each time. Every day that I continued to be pregnant was a milestone. Then in January 2016, thinking that we were almost out of the woods, we suffered a huge loss once more. This loss was different to the others. It was later in the pregnancy towards the very end of the first trimester, and we found out that it was a chromosomal issue, whereas the previous miscarriages had ended earlier on and we had since assumed that they were related to my antiphospholipid syndrome. It was such a devastating experience, I think I cried non-stop for a week or so. I knew, though, that I had to eventually pull myself together again and take comfort in the fact that we had reached that far in the pregnancy again, and that the chromosomal issue was unrelated to my antiphospholipid syndrome, which we were treating. I also kept reminding myself that we were so very lucky to have already been blessed with Hunter.

It took several months for my body to readjust and be ready to fall pregnant once again. I had a few cycles, which had naturally fallen back into a normal 4 week rhythm. Then, in late May, I did a pregnancy test the day after my period was due when we were in the Catskills at Coco and Michael's for Memorial Day weekend. It produced a very faint positive result, which I assumed was because it was so early. I started the bloody thinners, aspirin and progesterone and decided to do another test two days later. On the Monday of the holiday weekend, the test result was even more faint than the first. The next day at work, I did an hCG test at the medical centre. My hCG level came back as a 6, which is the lowest positive result possible. I was disappointed because I knew that it wasn't right, and was hoping that the pregnancy wasn't going to continue on and on for weeks and result in me having to have another operation at the end of another loss. I did another hCG test on the Thursday to see how it was trending. Then on Thursday evening, I got my period. I've never been happier to get my period, because my body had naturally miscarried for the first time ever. I didn't have to learn about the loss by scan and nor would I have to have a procedure to remove the tissue. It was a super early miscarriage, called a chemical pregnancy, where most women don't even know that they've been pregnant as they just get their periods a few days late. It was another loss, but much less traumatic than any of my prior losses. I had no time to become emotionally invested and had not even had a scan, all of which was a blessing in disguise.